Buying fruit and veg is just like dating

This isn’t a thinly veiled attempt to make crass banana puns, but a theory I have spent much thyme developing.

I grew up in the country, so I’m used to eating fruit and vegetables at their freshest. My Pop used to say the sweetest apples were the ones with grubs in them — because those slimy little fuckers knew what they were doing. (Again, a lot like dating…)

But the truth is, the produce we grew up eating didn’t look a whole lot like what I see in the supermarket these days. Perfectly round oranges; apples shinier than an Indian fast-bowlers cricket ball; carrots without a lump, bump or blemish in sight.

Hear me out when I say this — dating is a lot like the fruit and vegetable in our supermarkets. They’ve been grown and modified to fit a precise mould of what is considered appetising, appealing and beautiful. The inside of the product — the taste, texture or nutritional qualities — are given little thought. As long as the packaging is pretty enough, people will buy it. And it doesn’t necessarily have to taste good, so long as we can brag on Instagram about our gorgeous home-cooked dinner, it’s mission accomplished.

These fruits and vegetables are designed for ultimate appeal to the eye and longevity on the shelf. Much like the current world of dating.

But hey, even ugly fruit and veg need love…

I too dream of ‘being tasted, not wasted’. But usually, I have to get wasted to get to that point.

Online dating is like a buffet for the beautiful. And just like dating, food can see us get carried away with what’s shiny, perfectly-formed or currently in fashion — I’m looking at you cumquat, you saucy minx.

The opportunity to show someone who you really are — what’s on the inside — isn’t possible until you meet in the flesh.

Now I’m not sitting here crying ugly — I’m a decent looking gal, with an all-round rockin’ mum bod. But I also know that I really shine IRL. That’s when my humour and kind and fun-loving personality really come through.

But if you’re a three-legged carrot, how do you get to the ‘meet and greet’ phase when you’re out there competing with plastic fantastic pearfection?

Repeat after me…

Here are a few tips to help you stand out amongst the beautiful people in the world of online dating. I’ve fine-tuned* these from the marketing folks at Coles and Woolworths, and I think they’re incredibly relevant.

  1. It’s all in the packaging. Know what looks good on you and highlight that in your photos. But don’t go too far — you’ll probably meet them eventually so maybe steer clear from anything misleading, like photoshopping a thigh gap…
  2. Positivity is key. People want to be around happy people. It’s a fact. If you’re fun to chat with they’ll want to meet you in person. Guaranteed**.
  3. Put yourself in the line of sight. Don’t hide in the shadows. You don’t see a nashi fruit hiding because it can’t decide if it wants to be an apple or a pear. It’s just out there being a nashi. Be like a nashi.
  4. Don’t compare yourself. So that other apple has fewer dimples? That carrot over there is longer and slimmer? That fig survived the trip from the farm without a single bruise? You also have something unique to offer, because…
  5. … It’s what on the inside that counts. It’s a cliche, but it’s true. Get out there and meet enough people and you’ll get better and better at bringing the inside out, and highlighting exactly what it is you can offer to a potential partner.


**This is in no way guaranteed.

Chronic over-sharer. Graphic language lover. Aspiring coffee addict. Highly functioning single person. Mum. Animal enthusiast. Don’t like much music post 1989.

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